I'm so proud to call him my own

Triston has been sick since last Thursday, thankfully he is all better thanks to a little medicine and lots of TLC. It makes me so sad when I look at him with rosy red cheeks and to listen to his raspy voice asking for something to drink. Taking care of him is such a privilege. I remember when I was a little girl, I cherished the times when my mom would wait on me, bring me something warm to drink, rub my chest with Vicks and pat down my hair while I fell asleep. I felt so loved. I can see his demeanor change when I lay next to him and do all the sweet things moms should do when their child falls ill. I love when he lays his head on my chest, I feel so blessed to be a mom. I don't turn him down when he needs me. If he wants me to play a game with him, though he cheats and breaks all the rules, I can't help to feel so honored that I am "cool" enough to hang with him, even though for just a mere few minutes. I can't explain this love, no mom can explain this love, there are no words to describe it. I feel life cannot be complete without a child and I feel sad for those who choose not to have one or who can't due to infertility. Times flies, I know, I'm already 32. I look at my son and realize one important rule in life, one we should all follow: Simplicity is in the eyes of a child. As adults, have we lost that when we look at life through our own eyes?

I love you Bubba. You're going to be an amazing brother.

(video) Here is my sweet boy, a year ago.

Simply tired

I'm tired, plain and simple.

I'm a wife, a mom and to top it off, I'm pregnant. I still wake up at night with panic attacks, I dream about delivery day and it scares me. The odd thing is that during the day, I'm not scared to meet Gillian. My time to rest from this world is always interrupted with the thoughts of the 30 minutes of me in the operating room, laying there in straps, waiting to see my daughter for the first time. I know despite it all, her physical challenges, she will be loved. I feel like she was given to me because I can do it! I know I can do it, I know I can care for this little baby girl. As I type this I cry slightly, it's normal, I do it often. As I type this, I also am comforted with baby Gillian's hiccups, I love when she has them. If she is as sweet as the hiccups I feel inside me, then I'm already blessed. I also think that being in the truth is ever so important to me now because I know Gillian, one day will be physically perfect. I wish we didn't live in a world where "looks" was everything. I know, I know, coming from someone who "prides" herself in the way she looks, how odd, isn't it?

Despite it all, her love for will never fail me. Her love will never fail me. HER LOVE will NEVER fail me.

Baby G, I love you.

-Mom

Going to give it a try

My friend Jaime was brave enough to do it, so here I am. I remember when I was pregnant with Triston, how awesome it would be to create a diary about how life was leading up to his arrival. My friend Delisa gave me this beautiful leather diary and I think I got up to page 3 before I quit. Something about sitting down and actually using a pen to "write" something seemed too foreign, especially when I can type about 100 words a minute.

So, here I am, I'm going to blog whenever I think of something that I care about, worry about, love truly and things that enter this crazy brain of mine. Something are just too important to think about without at least documenting it to review later.

It's kinda like this....you are cleaning out a drawer in your kitchen, ya know the "drawer" that you throw EVERYTHING into? So, after pulling everything out, you find an envelope, a letter, a note, something you wrote something important on. You pick it up, look at the contents, read it and think, wow, that really happened or that was once truly so important to me. I love finding invitations to parties, baby showers, "get togethers" or anniversary parties. Whenever I find an old one, all these memories rush back to me and it impels me to go to my computer and pull up the album of photos from that particular event and relive all the moments of what made that day so special.

Here is the twist: Life is NOT one big party and we all tend to go through times were it feels like the biggest bus has hit us head on and we need to STOP and try to catch our breathe. There are times where at the moment, we wish we were not living it and want to hide. I've gone through that recently the day we found out our little one is a girl. I was so happy to know that I would be a mom to a daughter yet at the same time, this little girl in me was someone who I didn't want to truly feel. A way your body protects you from a possible potential "hurt".

Mind you, it has gotten better and we will have the chance to love baby Gillian. I still do, like any normal pregnancy, have all the fears of being pregnant and preparing for "D-DAY". I want to document my life as a wife, mom and pregnant woman. So, here is my story, day to day, starting now.