Your first day in service...

You cried the entire time.

Two days later, you are still crying.

I am ready to cry.

A visit to Dr. Vu

Getting ready to go to Dr. Vu, my love.


It was just you and I today, here's the long stroll to his office.

We made it!
We paid the co-pay and now we wait to see him.


Here is the hard table they lay you on. They certainly do not make it for comfort!


Here he is checking out your foot, you were so calm!


Now you're pissed off, you have your cast back on. I don't blame you baby.

We go back next Friday at 11:30, then you and I will go get a burger at the Magic Mushroom Burger Shop.

I love you.

Mommy

Tears and kisses

Last night, I was awake a few times to feed you (big surprise, huh?)....I am still in awe of you little one...and I thought of all the sad days, weeks and months when you were in my tummy....not a wasted pregnancy, just a lot of concern and thoughts of, "why me", "why my daughter".

I cried thousands of tears while you were protected in me.

Then I met you.

I promise to make it up with millions of kisses...


I only have a dozen kisses left until I meet that goal.


Peace,


Mommy

Thanks Tina for the bunny!

Stretch it out Gillian

She may never get the chance to wear these shoes.

Swollen foot, stretching out your leg now that the cast is off.

Checked your toes as I do everyday.

I realized your toes looked extra fat, SUPER fat.

Showed your daddy.

Called Orthopedic Dr.

Dr. said remove the cast.

Cast is off of you until Thursday.

Don't get your hopes up too high sweet G, you get another one in 48 hours.

I love you.

Mommy

A month later

Asleep....

Trying to suck on her arm...

I gave her a new hair-do after her bath.

My sweet girl, today you are 4 weeks and 2 days old. You are asleep on the leather couch right now, mostly because I wanted to put you in a room where it wasn't so hot. Our A/C broke and sadly in Arizona, even in January, you need A/C. G, you are in REM right now, hopefully dreaming about giving mommy and daddy a great nights sleep. Look how little you are, I layed my hand next to you so others can see just how "newborn" little you are.One day when your older and your curious as to why I take so many photos of you and Triston, well, it's simple.. I have only one photo of me as a toddler....and then it picks back up when I'm 5. I wish I had more but my parents didn't have the money to document my early years of life...and who am I kidding, technology NOW is amazing.

Triston and daddy are playing Rockband and I've been cooking eggplant parm for dinner, very low-key day. It's MLK today and tomorrow, these United States of America gets a new President. You have an appointment tomorrow with Dr. Hauben, you get shots...I'm concerned about the shots ordeal because they give it into your legs and you only have one leg available as your left leg is in a full leg cast. I know Dr. Hauben will make it work, he adores you. Funny thing to mention is that tomorrow will mark your THIRD, yes I said 3rd visit with him in under a week.....I know, I know, I worry about you G....he told me to relax....easier said then done.

Now that she is more on a schedule...and I'm finally getting the hang on this baby thing, I plan on blogging more often...I can't wait for you to read this later on in life...because it will only confirm it all my love that I love you so much and daddy and I fought for you to be here and will never get out of the ring. Fight on girl, you deserve it.

I love you G.

2 weeks baby girl!

Oh Gillian, it's been over 2 weeks since I met you, my sweet little girl. I can't beleive for 17 weeks, while pregnant with you, I refered to you as a "him or a he". I was certain that I was having another boy and knew in my head that there is no way I could have a little girl because I was just so use to have a son. I was surprised when the U/S tech said, it's a girl. I'll never forget the happy tears I shed as I told your daddy that he will be walking his daughter down the isle in years to come. When you are older, I will tell you all about the pregnancy, the tears shed between your father and I, the stress we carried and the happiness when we finally met you my sweet baby girl.

Your daddy is over the moon with you (as we all our). There is just something to be said when a father holds his little girl. Your his, period, daddy's little girl.

Yesterday we took you to your first meeting at the Hall. I was so happy to show you off as many knew the hard road we took in order to get you here. You made everyone smile, people flocked to you to see who our little miracle was, who she was all about. I was so proud!

Everyday I wake up and I smile, I have my boy, I have my girl. Though I know the road ahead of us could be rough, just know that as my daughter, I will take care of you and will never let you down.

I love Gillian!

Your mommy

My daughter is now part of this world's population

A sister is someone who loves you from the heart, No matter how much you argue you cannot be drawn apart. She is a joy that cannot be taken away, Once she enters your life, she is there to stay.

A friend who helps you through difficult times, Her comforting words are worth much more than dimes. A partner who fills your life with laughs and smile, These memories last for miles and miles.

When she is by your side, the world is filled with life, When she is not around, your days are full of strife. A sister is a blessing, who fills your heart with love, She flies with you in life with the beauty of a dove.

A companion to whom you can express your feelings, She doesn’t let you get bored at family dealings. Whether you are having your ups or downs, She always helps you with a smile and never frowns.

With a sister you cannot have a grudge, She is as sweet as chocolate and as smooth as fudge. Having a sister is not just a trend, It is knowing you can always turn to her, your best friend.

I love this little girl.

Dear Gillian,

There are no words to describe how much I love you.

Always and forever,

Mommy

I'm so proud to call him my own

Triston has been sick since last Thursday, thankfully he is all better thanks to a little medicine and lots of TLC. It makes me so sad when I look at him with rosy red cheeks and to listen to his raspy voice asking for something to drink. Taking care of him is such a privilege. I remember when I was a little girl, I cherished the times when my mom would wait on me, bring me something warm to drink, rub my chest with Vicks and pat down my hair while I fell asleep. I felt so loved. I can see his demeanor change when I lay next to him and do all the sweet things moms should do when their child falls ill. I love when he lays his head on my chest, I feel so blessed to be a mom. I don't turn him down when he needs me. If he wants me to play a game with him, though he cheats and breaks all the rules, I can't help to feel so honored that I am "cool" enough to hang with him, even though for just a mere few minutes. I can't explain this love, no mom can explain this love, there are no words to describe it. I feel life cannot be complete without a child and I feel sad for those who choose not to have one or who can't due to infertility. Times flies, I know, I'm already 32. I look at my son and realize one important rule in life, one we should all follow: Simplicity is in the eyes of a child. As adults, have we lost that when we look at life through our own eyes?

I love you Bubba. You're going to be an amazing brother.

(video) Here is my sweet boy, a year ago.

Simply tired

I'm tired, plain and simple.

I'm a wife, a mom and to top it off, I'm pregnant. I still wake up at night with panic attacks, I dream about delivery day and it scares me. The odd thing is that during the day, I'm not scared to meet Gillian. My time to rest from this world is always interrupted with the thoughts of the 30 minutes of me in the operating room, laying there in straps, waiting to see my daughter for the first time. I know despite it all, her physical challenges, she will be loved. I feel like she was given to me because I can do it! I know I can do it, I know I can care for this little baby girl. As I type this I cry slightly, it's normal, I do it often. As I type this, I also am comforted with baby Gillian's hiccups, I love when she has them. If she is as sweet as the hiccups I feel inside me, then I'm already blessed. I also think that being in the truth is ever so important to me now because I know Gillian, one day will be physically perfect. I wish we didn't live in a world where "looks" was everything. I know, I know, coming from someone who "prides" herself in the way she looks, how odd, isn't it?

Despite it all, her love for will never fail me. Her love will never fail me. HER LOVE will NEVER fail me.

Baby G, I love you.

-Mom

Going to give it a try

My friend Jaime was brave enough to do it, so here I am. I remember when I was pregnant with Triston, how awesome it would be to create a diary about how life was leading up to his arrival. My friend Delisa gave me this beautiful leather diary and I think I got up to page 3 before I quit. Something about sitting down and actually using a pen to "write" something seemed too foreign, especially when I can type about 100 words a minute.

So, here I am, I'm going to blog whenever I think of something that I care about, worry about, love truly and things that enter this crazy brain of mine. Something are just too important to think about without at least documenting it to review later.

It's kinda like this....you are cleaning out a drawer in your kitchen, ya know the "drawer" that you throw EVERYTHING into? So, after pulling everything out, you find an envelope, a letter, a note, something you wrote something important on. You pick it up, look at the contents, read it and think, wow, that really happened or that was once truly so important to me. I love finding invitations to parties, baby showers, "get togethers" or anniversary parties. Whenever I find an old one, all these memories rush back to me and it impels me to go to my computer and pull up the album of photos from that particular event and relive all the moments of what made that day so special.

Here is the twist: Life is NOT one big party and we all tend to go through times were it feels like the biggest bus has hit us head on and we need to STOP and try to catch our breathe. There are times where at the moment, we wish we were not living it and want to hide. I've gone through that recently the day we found out our little one is a girl. I was so happy to know that I would be a mom to a daughter yet at the same time, this little girl in me was someone who I didn't want to truly feel. A way your body protects you from a possible potential "hurt".

Mind you, it has gotten better and we will have the chance to love baby Gillian. I still do, like any normal pregnancy, have all the fears of being pregnant and preparing for "D-DAY". I want to document my life as a wife, mom and pregnant woman. So, here is my story, day to day, starting now.